We all have a personal experience with understanding and expressing our own emotions as adults. This blog, written by Occupational Therapist Katie Johnson, aims to explore what emotions are, why they are important, and how we can support children to develop their ability to understand and express their own emotions in a healthy way.
What are emotions?
- “Emotions are how individuals deal with matters or situations they find personally significant.” (7)
- Most adults can name the five basic emotions: happiness, sadness, anger, excitement and fear.
What is regulation?
“In general terms, self-regulation refers to the ability to deliberately control one’s emotions, behaviour and attention in accordance with the demands of a given situation” (5). Regulation is basically our ability to recognise how we are feeling throughout the day, support our emotional needs, and change the emotion to get our daily tasks done. For example, when feeling tired at work, you may want to stand up, stretch and go for a short walk to energise yourself. When feeling angry, you may take a break and go for a walk and/or phone a trusted friend.
Why is regulation important?
- You may not realise it, but regulation influences every area of our daily lives! From our relationships with family and friends, to managing stressful situations at work, to giving ourselves the space to cry when feeling overwhelmed. It is a vital lifelong skill that we need to develop to support a healthy ability to manage our emotions. Self-regulation “involves how we think, how we feel, how we make decisions, how we respond to others and how we respond to ourselves.” (6)
- Children with well-developed self-regulation skills are able to recognise and manage their own emotions effectively, empathise with others, and make sensible decisions regarding their behaviours and social interactions” (3). Emotional regulation has been found to have a positive association with academic success and productivity in the classroom. (2)
How do we learn how to regulate?
- Parents/caregivers play a crucial role in their child’s emotional development. The way that parents manage their own emotions and respond to their child’s emotions as they grow up impacts upon their development. (1)
- As adults, we have had the opportunity to develop our ability to manage big feelings throughout our childhood and adolescence. Children are still developing this skill and so this is where you come in to help them as their parent and caregiver!
- Co-regulation is the skill that one person has to offer support to another for the goal of emotional regulation. Co-regulation isn’t just for children; many of us often need comfort and support from parents, friends, partners, colleagues etc. when we are feeling emotional!
- Co-regulation specific to children is where a parent or teacher supports a child’s emotional development through motivational or emotional scaffolding and using strategies to help their child regulate emotions (4). It is basically the ability of a parent to tune into their child’s emotional experience and offer strategies to support them to regulate their feelings. This sounds like a lot, but let’s look below at some strategies as to how you can co-regulate with your child. You may already be doing a few of these intuitively!
Tips to support and build your child’s emotional regulation skills
It is important to be aware of the elements that can impact upon our own regulation, for example, poor/lack of sleep causing a ‘short fuse’ and feeling ‘hangry’ when you haven’t had breakfast. This can also look like meltdowns and ‘flipping your lid’ when the stressors build up and you feel overwhelmed. It is crucial that we can recognise how we are feeling and support ourselves throughout the day.
Tip # 1 – Notice your own emotions
This is a tricky one when your tendency might be to focus on your child’s meltdown instead of how you are feeling. They say that anger is contagious and so it is likely that when your toddler, child or teen is shouting, that you will want to shout too! It can be frustrating and overwhelming if your child is having an emotional meltdown. However, when you take a moment to check in with yourself and take a breath, you will be in a much better state to tune into your child’s experience and needs in that moment.
Tip # 2 – Sit with the feeling
This might be the toughest step! As adults it’s challenging to put aside what is going on in our own world to step into the child’s emotional experience. This is arguably the most important step to ensure your child can be comfortable with, and understand, the emotions that they are experiencing.
It is best to start by slowing things down:
- Take a BIG deep breath
- Get down to your child’s level i.e. on the floor, on the couch
- Let them know that you are there if they need you
- Offer your child their preferred way of being comforted. This could look like a hug or just being present with them without speaking.
- Sit with your child for 5 minutes (this does not include when there is a safety risk – such as throwing things, hitting others, running on the road etc. In these situations – safety of the child and others’ is the priority!)
Tip # 3 – Trial and error for co-regulation strategies
Unfortunately, there is not one perfect solution for developing emotional regulation skills! Below are some general strategies that you can try to support your child to work through their emotions.
You know your child better than anyone else in the world! You will be able to tell if a strategy works or not in the moment, and this may also depend on the day, and whether they’ve had enough sleep! Below are a couple of general co-regulation strategies that you can try at home.
Co-regulation means that you will be noticing your child’s emotions and supporting them the best that you can in the moment, as they move through the escalation cycle in the image below.
When you notice your child starting to escalate, you can prompt them to join you in a few activities:
- Movement breaks: get up, sing and dance around! This is a great way to activate our body’s calming system (6).
- Comfort: Offer a cuddle and give a big squeeze (if they accept it)! Hugs are known to be calming for our nervous system by releasing oxytocin and activating the parasympathetic nervous system.
- Space: It is important to note that when your child is in the ‘red’ zone or ‘out of control’ phase of the curve, it is best to give them space to process the intense anger feeling. Think back to a time where you felt overwhelmed with anger, was it best when you had space, or if someone kept talking to you? It is likely that you need to have the space to let the anger flow out in a safe way, it is the same for your child.
- Let off steam: Model healthy ways for your child to release the anger energy out of the body before it escalates. For example, you could stomp the ground, run up and down stairs, jump on the trampoline, scrunch up paper, punch the bed (not a person) and yell into a pillow. Children learn from you, so it’s best to show them how to express anger in a healthy way!
- Label the emotion: It is important to label the child’s emotion in the moment or at a later point when they seem in a calmer state. This supports their understanding of what they are experiencing in their body. For example, if they seem upset, you could sit with them for 5 minutes and say “sad” or “you look sad” and offer a cuddle. If they seem angry, you could say “you sound/look angry”.
In summary, managing our emotions and supporting the emotional development of a child can be a really challenging and exhausting experience! We encourage to explore the community services (below) if you feel overwhelmed and you would like extra support.
Next steps
Community supports and information
- https://raisingchildren.net.au/
- https://tuningintokids.org.au/parents/parenting-programs/tuning-in-to-kids-online/
- https://cahs.health.wa.gov.au/Our-services/Community-Health/Child-Health/Parenting-groups/Circle-of-Security-Parenting-Program
- https://www.ngala.com.au/
- https://parentingconnectionwa.com.au/
Professional supports
- Occupational therapy
- Clinical psychology
Please note
- The information provided in this CliniKids blog is intended to be general in nature and is not to be taken as personal therapeutic advice. The above content does not take into account your personal circumstances. Please seek professional support for individualised therapy services.
- There are many situations where a child may find it challenging to develop their emotional literacy and regulation skills, or manage big feelings, resulting in significant meltdowns. It may be best to seek professional support services above in these circumstances.
References
1. Havighurst, S.S. & Kehoe, C.E. (2021). Tuning in to Kids: An Emotion Coaching Approach to Working with Parents. In Allen, J.L., Hawes, D.J. & Essau, C.A. (Eds), Family-based Intervention for Child and Adolescent Mental Health: A Core Competencies Approach. Cambridge University Press: Cambridge.
2. Graziano, P.A., Reavis, R.D., Keane, S.P., Calkins, S. D. (2006). The role of emotion regulation in children’s early academic success. Journal of School Psychology 45 (2007) 3-19.
3. Djambazova-Popordanoska, S. (2016). [Rev. of Implications of emotion regulation on young children’s emotional wellbeing and educational achievement]. Educational Review (Birmingham), 68(4), 497–515. https://doi.org/10.1080/00131911.2016.1144559
4. Ting, V., & Weiss, J. A. (2017). Emotion Regulation and Parent Co-Regulation in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 47(3), 680–689. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-016-3009-9Annika Rademacher & Ute Koglin (2019) The concept of self-regulation and preschoolers’ social-emotional development: a systematic review, Early Child Development and Care, 189:14, 2299-2317, DOI: 10.1080/03004430.2018.1450251
5. Grimmer, T., & Geens, W. (2022). Introduction. In Nurturing Self-Regulation in Early Childhood. Taylor & Francis Group.
6. Savina, E. (2024). Using movement to promote self-regulation in early childhood education. Contemporary School Psychology. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40688-024-00520-9
7. University of Western Australia (2019, June 27) The Science of Emotion: Exploring the Basics of Emotional Psychology. https://online.uwa.edu/news/emotional-psychology/