In this blog, Clinical Psychologist and Clinical Lead (Psychology) Dr Mei’en Lim offers families — both parents and children — advice on how to embrace boredom.
Those dreaded words “but… that’s SO boring!” or “I’m bored.” We hold the fort, deciding to stick to our boundaries. After all, we are the adult… right….? Five minutes of whining turns into crying, bargaining, begging, screaming, threats of non-compliance, eventual non-compliance… and promises to be good if we give them their _____ (insert device preference here). Somehow that fortress looks more like a line in a sand in the billowing wind of their resistance. We find ourselves on the bargaining train, desperately trying to convince them that a board game is fun, cajoling them to read, negotiating for non-screentime.
We hold our ground only for as long as our patience lasts (who else thinks that water takes too long to boil?) and may even resort to saying, “you just have to….”. It was a battle lost from the very beginning. I suggest two reasons for this: 1) adults struggle with boredom too; 2) there are behavioural mechanisms at play.
For the purposes of this blog, I’m just going to focus on point 1- this will require some psychoeducation, then an honest reflection and introspection. For solutions and practical strategies to point 2, please see your friendly neighbourhood clinical psychologist!
We will discuss dopamine, difficulty, and that dreadful word, boredom.
Dopamine
Maybe you’ve heard of a newly coined phrase “dopamine fasting” (you can’t actually fast dopamine, it’s a neurotransmitter). Dopamine is all the rage at the moment; there’s ongoing discussions about how to hack your dopamine system, or how to ensure you get the highest efficacy of dopamine etc. Fascinating. Just to be clear though, the challenge isn’t dopamine itself. The issue is that we are too easily and frequently “rewarded” without difficulty. No need to jump into an ice bath just yet. We can work out this dopamine issue without hurting our hip pocket.
Difficulty
Lest this turns into a philosophical debate, I will make the assumption that we can agree that humanity as it currently stands, is the best it’s been. Sweeping statement, but if we compare our challenges to sickness (cholera outbreaks), threat to survival (pillaging of villages and wildlife at our doorstep), I think we are doing pretty well. Think about it: have a fever? Pop some paracetamol. Hungry? Food delivery at your doorstep or food cooked in a microwave within minutes. Hot? Turn on the aircon. Cold? Turn up the heater. Need information quick? Just “Google it”. We don’t actually need to struggle. I’m very grateful for that (my Uber Eats Pass can attest to this) but I’m in a double bind. We don’t need to struggle and we don’t need to wait. We have quite effectively eradicated the need for inconveniences in life and the result is that we are impatient. I’m not suggesting we inflict difficulty on ourselves, but I do think we can do something about impatience.
Going back to dopamine release in its best form: the release of pleasure neurotransmitters after we have overcome difficulty. I chose “overcome difficulty” instead of achieved or attained because the crux here is that it has to be difficult. We are constantly bombarded by instant gratification (see examples above) and while technological advances have been a blessing, the other side of the coin is that we have everything at our fingertips. Literally, everything. Just the other day, I was thinking about getting a water bottle and within five minutes, I had chosen one on Amazon (thanks to targeted marketing on my social media) and it is expected to arrive at my doorstep within days. While I was at it, I was introduced to other things I did not know I needed by customers who “bought the same item as you…” and I found myself, in an unexpected (arguably quite enjoyable) rabbit hole. I propose that time has never been shorter between the birth of thought to the actuality of a desired outcome.
Think about the games you play on your phone, or doom scrolling (where you scroll through social media for “just 10 minutes” and two hours later you’re bleary eyed and guilty - and still can’t stop). Think about how accessible you are — don’t want to carry your phone around? No worries, your watch will now beep. After work hours means nothing because you can still check emails. Waiting in line isn’t actually waiting; it’s a chance to flick through stories. Am I the only one who has the TV on AND am on my phone at the same time?
Boredom
We are in a pandemic. An insidious, silent, gnawing pandemic. It is the pandemic of busyness. We don’t know how to be bored because we don’t need to be. What we have lost in exchange for information, entertainment, and quick dopamine hits is more devastating than we realise.
We have lost the ability to be present and we experience less humanity.
Think back to before you could fit the entire history of the world in your pocket, what did you do when: you had to wait for someone or there’s disagreement about trivia? If you’re anything like me, I was more present (I noticed the décor of the restaurant) and I had more opportunity to interact (engage in banter, howl with laughter, protest over-dramatically).
Your child needs you to be more present and to engage in their world.
If you can increase your tolerance for boredom and embrace it, you will discover that your attention span increases, you are more aware of your environment, and you have increased capacity to be mindful and present with your child. Before you feel too overwhelmed by the thought of throwing your device into the ocean and moving to a known telecommunication blackspot… let’s start small.
Here’s some ideas:
- When you have to wait (for anything), just…. Wait.
- Don’t use your phone an hour before bed. Better yet, keep your phone in a different room so you can’t access it when you have a mid-sleep awakening.
- Use the settings in your phone to limit your social media use.
- Set up your work emails (if you must access them) on a different device from your personal mobile to reduce accessibility.
- Go to the toilet without your phone.
- If you’re playing with your child, physically leave your phone in a different room.
- Change your notifications on your wearable device so you’re not constantly interrupted.
It won’t be easy. You’ll feel uncomfortable. And that’s OK. We can use what we know about dopamine and difficulty to our advantage and create an opportunity for true dopamine release.